The Sounds of Love.
After our first yellow lab Jake passed away, the loss was undeniable. I knew I’d miss the feel of his warm tongue licking my feet, his soft fur as I ran my hands the length of his back, and the weight of his body propped against me as we cuddled. What I was not prepared for though, was missing his sounds. The intense panting after a good hard play. His nails as they clicked across the wood floor. The non stop lapping of water to complete his meal. The thud of his 85 lb body finally collapsing onto the floor after walking in circles searching for the perfect spot to rest. The clinking of metal as he licked the food crusted silverware propped in the dishwasher.
Those noises were distinctly his. After his passing, the house was quiet and I desperately missed his noises. They were the sounds of love.
School was closed on Monday in honor of Veteran’s day. Although Ben, my senior, typically studies in his room, I casually asked him if he wanted to join me in the kitchen to do homework while I wrote. Without hesitation, he said “Sure!”, headed upstairs to grab his books and promptly joined me at the kitchen table.
So there I sat, attempting to write, but instead I was distracted by my 17 year old man-child as I like to call him, sitting just ten feet away from me. There wasn’t anything in particular he was doing to distract me. Simply by being there with me, even though he could have chosen any number of other places to spend his morning, was distracting in and of itself. The harsh reality hit me that this time next year, this scenario would not be an option.
My fingers were propped on the key board, my brain willing them to start writing. But all I could do was breathe and be present, drinking in every ounce of that moment in an attempt to hold onto it, to stop time.
Suddenly the sound of gum cracking and bubble popping startled me from my Hallmark moment. I chuckled inside thinking about how his brain was able to command him to solve calculus problems and manipulate large quantities of bubblegum all at the same time. Like a flash from the past, it hit me that his gum chewing is just one of countless sounds that are distinctly his, and I’m instantly transported back to the days following the passing of our yellow lab Jake.
This time I will be better prepared, making sure to notice and appreciate all of Ben’s sounds before he goes off to college, and they become a distant memory.
When I think of Ben, what I hear is….
Beard scratching – It doesn’t take but a day or two for Ben to transform from my man-child to my mountain man-child, complete with a scruffy beard. Given that it’s day eleven of “No-Shave November”, his cheeks are a jungle, and apparently it’s quite itchy, because I can hear him feverishly scratching his face from across the table.
Insanely rapid texting – Ben is by far the fastest texter I’ve ever met. It’s visually compelling to witness the speed of his fingers moving across the tiny keyboard, but even more startling to hear the pace at which he can knock out a 2-thumbed conversation.
Heard of Elephants – Ben has an unmistakable sound to his walk, which is only enhanced when he travels up or down our staircase. Sometimes it’s gazelle like as he prances up or down the stairs. This morning, however, it was more like a heard of elephants stampeding as he took them by two’s.
Music, music everywhere – Wherever Ben is, there is music. His playlist constantly blasts through his iPhone, MacBook or car stereo. The only time I find him music-less is when he is reading or sleeping. Yes, he’s even rocking out to tunes while doing homework.
Bad Karaoke – If you haven’t had the pleasure of hearing Ben sing, be thankful. The poor guy was born tone deaf and can’t carry a note to save his life. As much as it hurts my ears at times, I embrace his bad karaoke, because he’s never let his inability to sing on key stop him from belting out his favorite songs with passion.
Toe tapping, hand rapping, pencil slapping – This should come as no surprise, given Ben’s propensity towards music. When he’s not singing, he’s rhythmically keeping beat to his music. They say music and math go well together, which is probably why he’s able to drum to Coldplay while solving calculus problems (and scratching his beard, chewing gum and texting!)
Soothing deep voice – I wouldn’t call it a radio voice, but he has such a deep, soothing tone when he speaks. My two favorite things to hear him say are “Hey Mom” and “I love you”, because they make me feel special. How lucky am I that I get to hear those words every day?
Those are just a few of the sounds that are recognizably Ben. For me, they are the sounds of love…..
with Joy & Gratitude,
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What a wonderful piece! Prior to reading this I did not stop and notice the sounds of my life. I am going to take the time now to listen to the sounds of my life, my dog, my children and grandchildren.
Again, I just love this writing.
Hey Mary Jane! Your comments completely validate WHY I wrote and shared this! Most of us don’t engage our senses to fully experience life! We see, but do we really stop and look? We hear – but do we really stop and listen? We taste – but do we really stop and experience the flavor of our foods…..and the flavor of our life?! I hope you have an AWESOME experiencing listening for and to the sounds in your life!! Debi.
Wow Debi! I have spent the last hour reading some of your blog and have so enjoyed all of it! We have skied with you all years ago in Breckinridge & had such a nice time with your family so much!I haven’t seen you or your kids in a long time and really enjoyed reading Ben ‘s poem and the “sounds” of Ben, your man child! -just to name a few! My son is almost 17, no full beard yet, but I really appreciate your perspective about how you take it all in. Just really inspired by your posts. Generally, I feel very fortunate for EVERYONE and everything in my life but you allow me to see it from another perspective. Thank you! Crissy Scott.
Welcome to my blog! What a nice surprise. I’m so glad you enjoyed what you read. There will certainly be more, much more, about Ben – my soon to be college freshman (I just keep saying things like that to help me get used to it – so it won’t be such a shock in September!). Thank you for taking the time to let me know my writing inspires you and helps you see life through different glasses. THAT is why I do it, why I leave my heart on the page (or the screen in this case) – with the hopes of contributing, inspiring, motivating or simply helping others know they are not alone!
I previously wrote on a set schedule (3 times per week) – but I found the rigid structure began to make writing an obligation and not the creative process I love. So as of 2014 – I’m taking a much more fluid approach – and I’ll post as pieces are created. Could be 3 times a week, once a week, every other week – just depends I guess!
Feel free to subscribe to the blog – and my future blog posts will come directly to your inbox! You can also like my facebook page (Debi Feinman which is different from my personal page Debi Barr Feinman) where I share smaller tidbits of AWESOMENESS!
The Sounds of Love – Discover Your Awesomeness
