Bruised ego, Yinyangmother

Yinyangmother.
Bruised ego.
My ego is bruised, rather badly. But I’ll be OK because my soul is fine (apart from the scars it already has from our infertility journey, but they’ve just made me stronger – you know scar tissue can’t bleed anymore).
When we always feed our ego, we starve our soul. And you wouldn’t want your soul to go hungry.
I’m focusing on feeding my soul.
But my ego is hungry and bruised and what’s more I’m hung-over as I write, so I hope this makes sense (and I really need a big, greasy breakfast).
I missed out on a job that I deserved. My ego will assert itself, and rightly so. My soul is sighing with relief though I think. I won’t go into the details, but suffice it to say I think the universe is trying to wake me up. Shake me up. Put a rocket up my ass!
Starting with me acknowledging my ‘failure’ and my bruised ego.
I reckon this is one of those times when the universe doesn’t give you what you want, but gives you what you need.
But right now I’m angry – which is a much better response than feeling NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I am good enough and it wouldn’t matter what job I had – we are all born ENOUGH and in simply striving to be better we are good enough.
You can never be defined by the roles you play – they will never be enough to capture who you are – ALL that you are. Even when it is a role that did I mention I deserved!
I will move through my anger, which is what you have to do (or it turns to resentment and eats you up inside). But I will keep that fire in my belly.
It’s OK to feed the ego enough to get you motivated (did I mention my you-tube channel has topped 32,000 views)!
I will focus on feeding my soul.
I processed my job news over the weekend, suspecting my lack of success (well it wasn’t my ‘lack’ but someone else’s ‘better’, apparently). But I had to wait until yesterday to have the ‘bad news’ confirmed, hence my heightened anger and my hangover this morning.
So right now the bruise on my ego is still big, purple-blue and ugly, and sore, along with my head. But the bruise will fade greenish-yellow until it has gone. I don’t think it’s common to die from bruising.
I think it is common to wallow for a while – once the anger fades I will allow myself that (we all should allow ourselves that much), but I won’t allow myself a pity party.
Especially not when my soul might just be celebrating.
I will say something though, in my anger, while it is still hot and hungry.
We women sacrifice so much in terms of career to have families, and for me, being robbed of my fertility also saw my career choices stolen from me and I shouldn’t have to, but still am, paying the price.
It isn’t really fair that some guy with ‘international experience’ should get the job, but still it happens.
I’m not perfect, but I am enough.
Separating ego from soul, exposing who you really are – that is the job of disappointment. I didn’t get the job, but I have been gifted disappointment.
I am grateful for the disappointment that is shining a light on my soul (although right now I’m still angry, bruised and really hungover).
We can use life’s disappointments and struggles to see our egos for what they are – they can only ever be external representations of who we really are – the show we put on for the world to see.
Our egos can be ‘judged’ not good enough, but our souls can never be.
If our egos don’t serve our souls, we should stop feeding them, or at least put them on a diet.
The diet starts tomorrow, once the hangover is gone, and the bruising starts to fade.
Will you join with me in feeding your soul?
(thanks to Essentially Jess for making me get up at 5am, hungover and bruised and still blog, because it’s Tuesday).
Now subscribe to my list and make me feel better, PLEASE.
Cheers (or not so much)
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oh hun I am so sorry, that is really unfair. I too missed out on a job – didn’t even get an interview in fact – earlier in the year that I felt was written off my resume! Sometimes the things we think we want *aren’t* what we need, and it may mean that something else is just around the corner. Either way, I choose to believe we are where we are meant to be at any given moment. But I was angry and hurt, too. Nurse it, feel it, get through it (and the hangover!) and pick yourself up again. Sending love. xo Aroha.
Thanks so much Aroha – this was a job that I had been partly doing in a de-facto capacity for six months or more, hence why I’m so annoyed. I will pick myself up and go on to better things.
Big hugs! Right after the disappointments…come the excitements! Hang in there, the best is yet to come for you. It ALWAYS works that way! Chin up! ?
Thanks Jody – I’m looking forward to the excitements for sure, just have to get my confidence fired up again.
Being comfortable and at ease doesn’t put fire in your belly. I’m sorry you missed out on this opportunity, but surely it means a better one is on the way. Thanks for the reminder to feed my soul, I haven’t done that nearly enough lately.
Thanks for visiting Mrs BC and you are right – sometimes we need disappointment to fire us up.
I know exactly how you are feeling and I truly feel for you. But, as Aroha said, it may mean something else is just around the corner. When I applied for this job, I didn’t get it – and the employment agent was scared to phone and tell me because he had thought I was a shoe in for it – I told him it wasn’t his fault. A week after I would have started here my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and had to have his skin graft done and was in hospital for a while and I was seeing to my Mom. I took time off work (which would have been really hard had I just started my new job). Eight weeks later I got a call saying that the lady they had appointed hadn’t worked out and would I consider the position again. I did and came here and 2.5yrs later – I’m still here – the longest I have ever stayed in one job .
Eventually the anger will fade and you will look back at some other amazing thing that happened and say “Thank goodness I didn’t get that job.”
Sendings you lots of hugs !
big hugs hon – i truly honestly trust the universe on this one – i believe when we miss out on something it is for a reason we can’t see yet and that might be for a better fitting job or it might mean you have something else coming up in your life that you will be needed for so starting that job would have been wrong for you… time will tell (but in the meantime i get the anger too)
Oh gorgeous woman, I’m very sad to hear that, and to have a hungover to deal with as well, I think you can have a small pity party just for today and then tomorrow start to claw your way back through it all and kick some butt. Life isn’t fair and sending you a big hug. And you are right, we are allowed to feel all these emotions when disappointment cripples us, it’s what makes us caring humans. I hope you got a big fat greasy feed and can have a nap later xxxx.
Oh I meant to say – 32,000 hits – YOU LEGEND.
Oh Kathy, I’m sorry you missed out on the job, but I really do believe that things like this happen for a reason. Doesn’t help much at the time, I know.
Take the time you need for you, and revel in your accomplishments. 32,000 on Youtube is awesome!! x.
Oh poop. But, as you say, there is a bigger picture and we can’t see it all … there is something else that is perfect for you, still to come, I’m sure.
Interesting concept: you can’t feed both ego and soul at the same time. You have given me something to ponder. xxx.
visiting today from #teamIBOT!
Thanks Janet – I’m feeling a bit better tonight (at least the hangover has waned) – and glad I gave you food for thought, he, he – soul food.
I saw the 32,000 hits announcement on Facebook, awesome work! I’m sorry to hear you didn’t get the job you were hoping for But you are so right when you say “I’m not perfect, but I am enough’, that really resonates for me. None of us are perfect, not even the guy with the international experience, but we are enough.
That is a real shame, but something else will be around the corner and one day in the future you will look back and be thankful that you didn’t get the job because something else much better came along.
It’s so awesome that you are using your anger to fuel yourself to move forward. It’s so easy to get caught up, and let the emotions consume you. I’m sorry that you didn’t get the job, but hopefully a better one is just around the corner!
Sorry to hear your news, you certainly have not allowed this beat you down! Take care!
32,000 views. That’s awesome! Truly worth celebrating, my dear!
Rejection is hard but I remember reading a great article about how the more you put yourself infront of it, the more you opening yourself up to success. Big hugs x.
I love the idea of feeding your soul. We spend a great deal of time feeling battered and bruised, and we need to let it devour us for a short time. Once we let it in and feel it, then it is time to move on. Some things are harder to get past than others, but if we do as you say and feed the soul, we should come out fighting.
Ah, the waiting after a job interview is the WORST torture… I always hate that feeling of hanging in the balance waiting for your fate to be decided, and all your hopes placed on this ONE thing during this period. Sorry to hear how it turned out. It must be so disappointing. I will not burden you with cliches… but I hope you find comfort and strength in this little community and network you’ve found here.